May - 2007
May 30, 2007 - My heart's being put through a shredder ever so slowly. It's spontaneously bleeding out, the valves are closing off, and every last bit of it is being cut open.
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May 29, 2007 - I want to mean something to someone. I want to be soul-shattering. Mind blowing. Heart-breaking. I want to matter. I want someone to wrap me in their arms and to keep me safe, always. I want to know that I'm a half to a whole. I want to be profound. I want to believe in magic and precious things that are so exquisitely beautiful in their own right.
I want to believe he's out there. That he's searching too, and that one day we'll cross paths and wonder how we never met sooner.
Among all of this, I simply want a constant. Something that isn't changing all the time. Goodbyes are the hardest thing for me. And for my life's entirety, that's all I've done. I'm at a school for ___ amount of time, and then it's time to go. It's time to say goodbye, to sever friendships because somehow they're hard to keep. And it never gets any easier.
Being emotionally invested is the problem. You attach yourself, let yourself be open and love people. You befriend them and feel that you establish a binding connection. And then, like a thought, they dissapte into your memory.
I feel like I'm constantly losing people, and that by the time I'm older and on my own, there won't be anyone who will have witnessed my life, start to finish save for my parents. But even some things you can't share with parents. It gets lonely. Severely lonely. I would think I'd be used to it. From the time I was a little girl, I'd have trouble making friends. Other children thought I was strange and quiet and never wanted to be around me. I didn't care for senseless giggling, for getting dirty, for being silly. I was serious. And apparently I still am.
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May 17, 2007 - I want to shine.
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May 12, 2007 - New layout!! This was much needed and long over-due. Anne Hathaway was the actress of choice for this design, and hopefully she'll make a come-back next month.
Life is stressful, but there's only a few more weeks, so I need to hang in there. I'm wanting so badly to sleep through the rest of it, but then I'd probably miss very important things.
The search for an internship is still active, but I haven't been able to find anything =/ Plan B is that I'll find a job somewhere back home.
When last I wrote, I was talking about trying my hand at a lemon meringue pie, and I did! It was terribly sweet, and so next time I'm going to cut back on the amount of sugar, and find a way for the meringue not to weep. But it came out quite beautiful, all things considered, and I was so pleased that I got it to!
I think I'd like to try a pecan pie, if possible.
My family is so complicated sometimes. My mom and dad both yelled at me the other day, saying I shouldn't come home for Mother's Day. Granted, I have quite a bit of work to do, and I have to stay here to do it, but I was willing to set that aside for a bit to come down and say hello. It's amazing how unwanted I feel, and how they don't care whether I'm there or not. I feel as if I'm an inconvenience in their lives, and it's just too much trouble to have me. They literally said don't come. And here I thought that my mom would want me there since her mom's dying of lung cancer. It gets to the point where everything seems to build to the point where I can't bring myself to care anymore. It's as if I've already expended all my hurt and pain, only to feel empty and generally apathetic. It's terrible. I'm not giving myself excuses, but lately I've been feeling so horrible inside, and I don't want people adding to it. Selfish? Maybe it is.
Oh, and Ashley made me beautiful birthday present! Check it out!
Girl: Jana (Jay-na). 22. 5'5". Brown eyes, brown hair. Half Indian, Half Caucasian. Night owl. Tea addict. College senior. Psychology Major. Interests: Dancing, Writing, Stargazing, Running, Swimming, Photo editing, Reading, Cooking, Astronomy, Tea, Metaphysics, Museums, Science, Medicine, Johnny Depp, Keira Knightley, Music, Movies, Ice Skating, Bowling, Tennis, Drawing, Calligraphy, Art Galleries, Stained Glass, Piano, Watercolors, London, Paris. Loves: Snow, Rain, Seasons, Photoshop, Web Design, Surprises, Great Novels, Classical/ New Age Music, Trying out new recipies, Traveling to new places, The beach, Mountains, Seattle, Finding little hole-in-the-wall shops, Jelly beans, Comfortable sweaters, Christmastime, Dancing with mops/brooms, Scrapbooking (my God, it's addicting). Thought-provoking conversation, Walks, Being creative, Hats, Most things fuzzy.
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